When you arrive for a stay in one of the five small austere cells in Jonah House, you find a “guide booklet” waiting for you. It describes the Daily Schedule, Meal times, Facilities, etc… -the normal things you need to know while on retreat. The booklet also talks about “having a desert” and what you might experience. It opens with a loving, but straight forward, note from Fr. Seraphim. It describes being in the “Belly of the Beast” and having faith in the darkest of night..
Icon of Jonah at the doorway of the Retreat Center
Jonah House embodies the experience of being in the belly of the beast where one must live in the darkness of faith. – Where one seeks answers; but is turned back to live with the questions that make the answers possible; where every good answer simply makes the question vibrate all the more. Just as supply cannot be separated from its source; the answer cannot be separated from its question – nor the question from the answer.
You cannot observe the question from a distance. Unless you’ve been up against the wall where God frankly “doesn’t make sense” – all of those quippy simplified answers i.e., “it’ll all work out”, “well.. .they’re up in heaven”, etc, though they may be true, they’re not at this level – in fact you almost want to punch the person for saying it, for their glib easy responses. When you’re in the belly of the beast the old answers no longer work, when you’re empty, abandoned, uncared for, where there is no apparent way out, not just for the next five minutes but perhaps for life! What happens to the human spirit when that is the situation: how do you relate to life, how do continue to believe, how do you continue to hope, how do you continue to care? Can faith still be glib and quippy? We must walk around these questions so when the answer comes it will be one. What we’ve done is give people in religious education answers to questions they haven’t asked. They take them quickly and go about as deep as the answers which becomes the way out of the question. They’ve never longed and thirsted for it, or made space inside themselves. When the answer comes it’s not an answer but an excuse, an excuse to stop asking the questions; to stop searching, an excuse to get off the journey. There is far too much Christianity like this in America. People who are no longer on the journey but people who have easy Christian answers, there’s no depth to that kind of Christianity.
What happens when all your abundant life theories, all your nouthetic principles and all your “hobby horse” doctrines don’t work out? How do you feel and deal with them then? Ultimately, it is a question of who God is. We say God is good, God is merciful, God is kind, God is faithful, God provides … but there are many people on this earth who say: “I don’t have any evidence for that, now maybe you people in America do … but I don’t!” A lot of religion is so people don’t have to face their fears, their questions. They end up using God rather than meeting God. We, in the West can sustain the illusion longer than anyone else; yet God’s Word challenges this and it seems the only way to do this is to make that system fall apart. We say, “I’ve made Jesus the Lord and Savior of my life.” If He is your Lord, if He is our Savior then: Why are we looking for so much salvation in money, why is most of our lives so preoccupied with position, attainment? If Jesus really is our Savior, why is most of our lives taken with getting your second home with two locks on each of your four doors, if Jesus really is our Savior? And, if Jesus is our Savior then why are we so militaristic and preoccupied with surrounding the borders of your country with bombs? – Jesus isn’t our Savior… the bomb is. The image that Jesus is giving us about who God is, is very different than almost all of the philosophical and theological definitions that the world has ever came up with about God. Jesus doesn’t fit and after 2000 years of reflecting on Him, I still wonder if we realize what a revolutionary idea, mystery, symbol and reality Jesus is. He basically upsets religion terribly – He’s saying what you think God is, God is not!
When you are in the belly of the beast you can no longer draw your answers, authority, name, identity, happiness, sadness, etc. from with out. You can see when people come to Christian maturity, where they’re named from with in and the outer circumstances don’t make a great deal of difference. It seems we are constantly examining ourselves to see how we’re defined i.e. am I defined by people’s response to me, by how good I’m feeling, by how successful I am, by if I don’t get this or that, can I still be happy? You will not be free as long as you allow your definition to come from with out. You will be condemned to a life of reaction. The life of faith and of freedom is not one of reaction or for that matter action, but one of being. Most people react from womb to tomb. Free people don’t let others name them.
So what is He doing? He is calling us to a place where we’ll have to redefine what happiness is, what success is, what security is, what personhood is, who He is. Sometimes we run too quickly to God’s defense and we really don’t meet God – rather we are defending what we can or want to control. Make sure you live with the mystery, don’t be so quick to solve the problem or eradicate the pain. Make sure you walk the journey and not just highlight the maps. So many are untrue to their human experience and are rushing so quickly to say, “Well, Christ is the answer!” – What is the question? How is God the answer? That’s the question we have to give the world! You can’t just have head knowledge of God, you know God that way because knowledge gives you a false sense of control, you’re still in charge. What heart knowledge does, that 92%, is leave you radically, absolutely out of control and that’s the way you love God!
So when I say welcome to Jonah House, I am welcoming you to the journey, the question, the belly of the beast. In fact, if you’re not confused … you’re just not thinking right!
My hope is that during your stay you’ll not find so much spiritual enjoyment as spiritual struggle. Please also know you’re not alone in this struggle, we’re with you and most important our Lord Jesus is with us. Bless you dear friend.
In His Mercy,
Seraphim+
